FRENCH TWIST
Happy with the rental?
I'll come by tomorrow for the pool.
Is your dad okay?
Give your mom a kiss.
How's it going?
How did it go?
The usual: They'll think it over, they'll call. Jerks!
Miss. /Hello.
Antoine. This is Vero.
Vero! Nice to meet you. Cute.
Yeah.
A Pastis! /Coming!
The guy wants two million for a dump.
Some nerve.
Four walls, no roof, but it sold.
Right!
Some Brit bought it.
As long as there's sun, they're happy. Look at their weather.
Thanks, we've already fucked.
Nice.
Just kidding, Vero. Wait, wait.
Well, I've got to go.
See you tomorrow? /I can't tomorrow.
Call me at 7:00. Don't forget.
At 7:00? Okay.
See you soon?
What's your sign? /Here, Mr. Lafaye.
Oops, sorry. Excuse me. /It's okay.
May I?
Haven't we met?
Probably. I run the sports shop.
I'll have to drop by.
I don't look it, but I'm really a jock.
Any time. It'd be my pleasure.
Ingrid, it's Laurent.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Laurent!
I'll meet you there in an hour and a half.
Okay? Bye.
Your wife is really cute, Mr. Lafaye.
My wife? Where?
Yeah, she's cute.
Even better than that.
Julien! Seven years bad luck if it breaks.
Touch with your eyes only.
It's pretty.
Go play with Pablo.
Hello, Mrs. Lafaye!
How are you?
I'm dying from the heat. /Mommy! Quick!
Why did you put your toy in there?
Look. Now it's all plugged up!
Real smart move.
It just fell.
Sure. It jumped right in.
Go see who it is. Shit!
Mommy, it's a man.
Sorry to bother you, but my van broke down.
Let's see what's up, Pablito.
It overheated. May I have some water, please?
The man's got dirty hands.
Stop it, Julien! You know it's not a man.
I'll unscrew it.
I'm so useless. /I'm pretty good at this.
Are you from Paris?
I was a DJ in a club there.
That must be a great job. Fiesta every night.
Yeah, we had a lot of fun.
But I got fired.
Staff cutback?
Love affair. /He was your boss?
She was.
Here you go.
For me?
That's sweet.
Sugar? /Please. Two.
Hi! /Hi, kid.
It stinks.
Julien! Be polite!
He's right. It does stink. Do you mind?
Not at all. Go ahead.
I like to smoke a little cigar now and then.
Have one.
No, thanks. My husband doesn't like it.
He's not home. We won't tell.
Thanks.
Great coffee.
It feels good to take a break.
That engine gave me a headache.
Piece of shit broke down three times.
I'm sweating like a pig and I'm dirty. Do I smell bad?
Don't worry. I opened the window.
I like your laugh.
Tight, Mr. Lafaye?
Nothing gets past you.
He could've parked in your yard.
Who? /Your visitor.
Nicely decorated.
Depends on one's taste.
The heat, it's never going to end.
Are you expecting triplets?
Why is he saying that to me?
What's Fatso saying? Nobody's here.
Hey, it stinks!
Loli! Don't tell me you're smoking cigars again.
It's me.
Sorry, I'm stinking up the place.
My van broke down and your wife let me shower.
Julien clogged the drain with a toy.
Luckily she was here to fix it.
So I... /Let her take a shower. I know.
Is the Hare Krishna van yours?
I got it cheap from some retired hippies.
Nice, huh?
Was it in the way? /Not at all.
May I use your hair dryer?
Always the bleeding heart.
You should be careful.
Listen, she unplugged... /The sink. I know.
Hey, Pablo won again.
Juju, look what you've done.
Why are you so edgy?
I don't like her. /Why?
Didn't you notice anything? /No.
Julien, don't play with that.
What's that? /The lady's cigars.
Let me see.
Truck driver's cigars!
Can't you see she's a dyke?
I can smell them a mile away.
It smells great. What is it? Rabbit. I love it.
Move over.
You only like women with huge tits and garter belts.
Wrong. You don't have huge tits...
or garter belts.
I'm glad I'm spending the evening with my dearest wife.
Right, midgets? Isn't she the best mom?
I worked so hard, I'm exhausted.
We'll put the kids to bed, then let's do it!
Let it ring.
What a pain. I told them not to call me at home.
No, I'm busy.
Okay, I'll be there in ten minutes.
Antoine's a pain!
Can't he go alone? He's your partner.
He can't schmooze.
It's a big sale. Without me it might not go down.
Go down. /What's so funny?
Nothing. Just a thought.
Shit. A client at 8:00 p.m.
And he'll want to have dinner. /Will it be long?
I don't know. I'll do my best, kitten.
It was the same thing yesterday and last week!
We almost had a quiet evening together!
We never eat before 10:00 p.m.!
Dinner time in Spain!
But in Spain I had fun. I wasn't home alone waiting.
It's my job. I can't help it.
I can't pass on a deal. We owe the bank...
You're a quiet one. /Loafers.
Thanks so much. You've both been great.
Thank my wife, not me.
Some men would mind.
I'm not the type.
Your cigars.
Bye, kitten.
Should I wait for dinner?
Better not. /Fine.
Will you stay for dinner?
I don't want to be a bother.
It's no bother at all.
Right, Laurent? /Good idea.
At least I won't be alone for once.
Do you like rabbit?
We were Purple Queen. /Here.
I was on drums.
We were into women's lib.
We believed in it.
Fabienne wrote the lyrics.
Death to men!
No! Just a title.
And after all this time you split up?
I was with Dany, the guitarist. She was dating the singer.
May I? /Of course.
You should leave some.
He should've been here.
He who leaves his place...
Loses it!
That's all.
We lost track of one another.
Then we ran into each other again.
I worked at her club. "The Sofa." Sofa, Sappho.
Sofa? /Sofa, Sappho.
It's a muff bar. /A what?
A muff bar. Muff, the muff.
What's that? /The muff.
We say "the carpet."
I didn't know that one!
That's a good one.
The rabbit's great.
What's the matter?
Do you know rabbit in Spanish?
The muff.
You know what it is in Quebec?
Beaver.
But beavers also have a dick. /Rabbits do too.
But it's tiny. /That's true.
The bitch I found in bed with her was from Quebec.
I come home early and get dumped.
Luckily, I had the van.
It happened to me too. I found a slut in my home.
I wanted to leave him, but he was so miserable.
It can happen once, right?
How much are they asking?
Three million. But we can negotiate.
Not bad.
Make an offer I can't refuse.
If you're nice to the broker.
It's a major investment. Let me think.
Ingrid, let's close the deal now.
It's too good to let go.
It is tempting.
I'll go for it.
What are you doing? Get ready.
No. I've got to go now.
It's not late, and I still want to.
One for the road. /Some other time.
My wife's waiting for me. Stop.
What makes you so sure?
What do you mean?
She might be doing the same.
Are you nuts? Get dressed and cut it out.
You got hair all over me.
You've never thought about that?
Listen, we have great fun screwing together.
But leave my wife out of it.
She's the faithful type. Get it?
My husband must say the same to his mistress about me.
Why did you quit?
Love. I met Laurent while on tour.
What a pity.
Love?
No, to have quit dancing.
It just happened that way.
I saw him and knew he was the one.
I mean, you just know it.
I haven't smoked in years.
I might pull my panties over my head!
The pleasure would be all mine.
Let's get it straight.
I'm only kidding. I hope it's okay.
Yes, it's okay.
This takes me back.
In Barcelona, we'd go dancing all night...
then rehearse in the morning.
We were young.
Life sucks.
If you liked women, you'd still be a dancer.
We might've hit it off.
Imagine the love affair! Just kidding.
Don't worry, it's okay.
Great. It's cool then.
But men are great.
Have you ever tried?
No way!
He sticks it in, you're in ecstasy. Right?
But I have orgasms and give right back.
And no premature ejaculation with us.
That's true.
You're right.
Did you ever want kids?
Can't have it all.
Can you see me with a kid? With my lifestyle?
I've got two cute nephews.
A hair!
But I shaved today. /Not close enough.
You've got a hair as big as a...
Where? /There. I'll get it.
No, it's too small.
Wait, don't move.
Don't move! /Stop!
Why? /Stop.
This time, no kidding.
You turn me on.
All my stuff's in it. It's jam-packed.
Your rabbit was delicious.
Really. Thanks. Bye.
Bye.
Bye, and thanks again.
Thank her, not me.
All the same, bye. See you around.
Hey, kitten. Any rabbit left?
You could've saved some from that truck driver.
You said you were eating with your client.
Yeah, well, I wasn't sure.
How did it go?
With who? /Your client.
Oh, yeah.
The deal went down.
Wait, I'm not finished.
Okay.
Night, kitten.
Stop it, Loli. I'm tired.
I've been at it all day.
Come on, Loli!
I want it.
What's with you tonight?
Lolo!
Come on. It'll help you relax.
Did you hear a noise?
Stop it.
Someone threw a stone.
I can't believe it. /What is it?
What's the diesel doing here?
Who?
Your pal, the top model.
You're naked!
Seeing one for a change won't kill her. What's wrong?
Sorry to wake you. I left my wallet.
I need my papers. I'm leaving.
What a pain in the ass!
Come on, she's sweet.
You go then. She's your guest.
What a grump.
Okay. Relax.
I'll go. It's okay.
Sorry, I couldn't find it anywhere.
Because I didn't lose it.
I just wanted... to say good-bye.
You've got guts. What if he had come down?
I just knew it would be you.
I went to a dyke bar once...
and I ended up feeling effeminate.
Lucky I wasn't home last night.
I couldn't have put up with the diesel and her smelly cigars.
I know why she's a dyke. She has no choice.
Mr. Lafaye? It's for you. It's a Marijo.
Marijo? Don't know her.
Can't keep track of them?
No, I don't know any Marijos.
Take the call anyway.
Hello.
Marijo? Do I know you?
Who is it? /Oh, it's you!
You're still here? The diesel.
Put the speaker on.
I want to apologize.
You were both so nice.
May I buy you dinner?
Say yes! Yes!
We would have been delighted, but my wife and I are busy.
Yes, it'll be fun!
Hold on a second.
I want to come along.
May I bring a friend?
The doctor pulls one more from his butt.
He counts them: 12 flowers.
So the fag says, "I didn't know how to tell you."
Excuse me. I'm off to the powder room.
I have to take a leak.
I think she fancies you.
Sure.
I keep on telling her.
I don't mind two women doing it as long as they fit me in.
It depends. If she asks me, I'm out of here!
So when are you two doing it and fitting me in?
What's with you, Loli?
I was joking. Weren't you? Are you shocked?
Yes! In a woman's mouth, it's vulgar!
Why? Because there's penetration?
Cut it out. You're pushing it. /What's up?
Dykes, fags and penetration.
Very highbrow!
Dessert time!
Let's sweeten up.
Damn, everything's good here.
What do I want?
For me... profiteroles.
Oh, shit. My cigarettes.
Did you choose?
I'd sure go for...
a creme brulee. And you?
A lemon sorbet.
I love it.
Are you ready?
One lemon sorbet. Marijo?
Creme brulee.
I'm having the profiteroles.
Laurent?
Laurent. What do you want?
Nothing. I'm not hungry anymore.
What's wrong? You've turned white.
Something I ate.
Paella's vicious. All it takes is one clam.
Antoine, let's dance.
What's up? Too much clam?
Come on, let's dance.
Come on, we'll show them.
Marijo! Come on!
May I?
That's enough!
What's wrong? /We're leaving!
You're hurting me! /Come on, we're having fun.
Back off. Are you coming?
You're ridiculous!
No, you're ridiculous! Are you drunk?
Let go of me! You're sick!
You're a pain in the ass.
Right. /Jesus! Stop fighting.
What's with you, Laurent?
I can get in on my own!
Let's go. /What about Marijo?
Leave the fat dyke.
She's paying. We can't dump her.
Here she comes.
Good night, lovebirds!
Couples! They'll patch it up.
Next time, I'm buying.
Thanks, but I'm leaving tonight.
Are you okay?
How much? /Three hours.
When can we... /Not now.
What came over you? /Hush. You'll wake the kids.
Thanks, miss. Bye.
Had fun, huh?
I could have, if you hadn't been such a jerk!
Slut!
I never knew you were such a slut!
Are you mad?
Now you're going to wake up the kids!
Did you care about the kids when you felt up that...
that thing?
What? What are you talking about?
I saw you!
You had your hands in each other's panties!
That sure shut you up!
Shame on you!
Disgusting!
Hey, look who's talking.
I never brought anyone home.
Who screwed around in our bed?
It happened once! /Well, then me too!
But I didn't screw a fag!
I didn't either.
Don't try to be funny!
Oh, that fat, horny pig!
I'll kick her ass!
Stay here, please.
Laurent, come back!
Get out of there. /Laurent!
You got a problem?
Ask my wife, you slut!
Calm down! /Leave me alone!
Are you nuts?
Afraid of coming out?
You act tough, but you don't have any balls!
The neighbors, Laurent!
I'm not afraid of a baseball bat. /Cricket bat.
It bruises better.
I'll still knock your teeth out!
Don't hit a woman!
A woman? I don't see a woman!
Trouble, Mr. Lafaye?
Should I call the cops?
No, Mr. Crepineau!
My cousin saw a prowler and called my husband.
But he's gone.
Oh, because we heard a commotion.
Sorry we woke you up. /Thanks.
Let's go back in.
If I catch you around here...
I'll ram the bat up your ass!
Not its normal use, but it could be a lot of fun.
Asshole.
She touched my hand.
And you didn't do a thing?
What did you two do together? Answer me!
I told you... just that. I swear. She started.
And you let her touch you?
How was it? She got you wet?
Not at all. I was too afraid to speak.
You were afraid, so you felt her up?
Shut up! I don't know what came over me.
You know I'm not like that.
I'm ashamed.
So ashamed.
Laurent.
Forgive me, forgive me, please.
You don't know how I feel.
In front of everybody.
But nobody saw us.
At least you kept it under the table.
Loli, you're repulsive.
No, Laurent, no!
Please! Please, forgive me.
Forgive me. Forgive me.
I love you. You know I do.
What are you doing here?
Coming to bed.
Are you joking?
Go sleep wherever, but not here.
It's a big house.
Why not go see bushwhacker in her pretty van?
What do you think?
What... Did he hit you?
I'll bash his head in! /No!
Tell me what happened. Did he hurt you?
He threw me out.
I don't want him to hurt you.
I never want anyone to hurt you, ever.
Daddy, Daddy!
I'm hungry.
Go see Mommy.
Mommy's not here.
Finally. Hurry! The sun's already up.
I'm not doing 30 miles sweating like a pig.
You could've told me. I called the Crumble sisters.
They'll be all hot and ready.
Hey, the kids.
You look pretty bad.
Pass the chocolate.
Where's Mommy?
She's out shopping.
Hi, Antoine.
Hello. Hurry. We're going shopping.
Coming.
Why is she here?
It's all my fault.
So take a swing at me, but let her be.
You banged my wife again!
Stop it, Laurent!
Stop being a jerk! She drove me back.
Marijo! So you didn't leave after all?
A little setback, but I'm on my way.
Once you know our region, you'll never leave.
Are you going? /Are we in the way?
Stop arguing, you two. Life is too short.
Keep your two-bit wisdom.
Fine. I'll wait outside, but hurry up.
If this keeps up, I'm going alone.
Come on in. It's okay.
Come on! And you, get going! Go cool down.
And leave you two alone to do your filthy stuff?
You can have your wife, but you don't deserve her.
Are you leaving?
I was a jerk last night.
I didn't know what I was saying.
Forgive me. /Don't touch me. Get out.
Isn't it great to be here?
Feel the cool breeze on your neck?
Can't you shut up?
Jesus, what's with you? /It's not your problem.
What are friends for, damn it?
For screwing the Crumble sisters and bicycling like hot pigs!
No one made you come!
You're being a real pain.
Screw it! You can go alone.
Great move. You were getting boring.
For Christ's sake!
That's it. Leave me!
And you call yourself a friend?
What's the problem?
Can't you see I'm miserable?
Nope.
Men can screw around. It has nothing to do with love.
I mean love with a capital "L."
We don't use our feelings, only our dick.
Here's a good one.
A guy had this wild thing happen to him.
A married guy...
happy, the perfect couple.
His wife was banging a woman.
And under his own roof.
No way. /I swear.
As soon as he was away, they'd start bushwhacking!
How humiliating.
The asshole.
Do I know him?
He's right in front of you.
You're kidding.
Loli? With who?
With who? With who? You idiot!
Are you my friend or what? She's banging the dyke!
Holy shit!
No, it can't be.
Not Loli.
What did I do to her?
What did she do to her?
Slut. /In my opinion...
she's playing with you.
She must've found something.
I'm extra careful.
No traces, ever.
No calls at home, so she can't track me down.
I'm no bastard. I don't want to hurt her.
She caught me once. That was enough.
I don't know. It only takes a scent.
Women don't just use their brains. They sense things.
But why? Why with that poor substitute?
At least with a man I'd understand. But with that? Why?
Because Loli's faithful. She's not a pervert.
That's all that was available.
She did it once to piss you off.
Anyhow, the dyke's gone.
I forgot something.
Your wallet?
To say good-bye.
May I kiss you? /Wait. Fatso's watching.
Life's a bitch. /Yup.
And a short bitch too.
Just a little kiss good-bye.
A little love kiss, to say good-bye.
And then you leave?
Then I leave.
Wait.
Mrs. Lombard?
I've got to do my laundry. Could you watch the kids?
I'm hurt. I'm hurt!
Hurt!
I'm so hurt.
Deeply.
Hurt.
Very, very hurt! /It'll be okay.
Stop it now.
Sluts!
Sluts... all sluts!
Excuse him.
Come on, put my helmet on.
It makes me look like a dickhead.
Better a dickhead than a busted head.
We're surrounded by sluts!
Laurent, come on. Cut it out!
Laurent, come on.
Get on, get on. There. Get on.
We'll take it nice and slow now.
Are you okay?
Why wouldn't I be okay?
Isn't life swell?
You're going the wrong way!
I'm off to see the Crumble sisters!
Come back!
Look out! You'll total yourself.
Where are the Crumbles?
Where are the sluts?
You had it coming.
Great!
We just made some cheese. It's all fresh!
We had a little setback.
I hate women. I hate 'em! They make me wanna puke!
We were waiting for you.
Sluts! /He's depressed.
I'll go now.
I'll make some dandelion tea.
It should clear his mind up.
Right. Make him some herb tea.
I'll go get the car. It'll take at least two hours.
I'm miserable. I'm so miserable.
I'll follow the coast down to the Italian Riviera.
I have a girlfriend. She works at a spa.
A girlfriend?
Just a friend.
I've got regular friends too.
We won't see each other again?
Who knows?
I do.
Loli! Are you home?
You're the only one that counts. You and the children.
He got the message. No more fooling around.
No more girls. No more cheating left and right.
And he really means it.
What cheating left and right?
When you caught him.
Don't take me for an idiot!
You said: "Left and right"!
He's been cheating on me, and you knew it?
With who?
But... But... With who? Who? Nobody.
It was just a little fling or two. He's a man with needs.
I know nothing! It's none of my business!
Loli, have you gone mad?
You're his best friend, you bastard.
You're both bastards!
So you'd better tell me everything, or I'll gut you!
What's going on?
She's moving in.
You bastard!
What was that you said?
How long have you been fooling around?
Everybody knew.
Everybody!
You cheated on me with every slut around.
I'm humiliated.
Ashamed to be married to a pig like you.
What's this bullshit?
Ask your friend Antoine!
Unless he made it up!
And this!
You use condoms with me?
You have a whole stock hidden in the kids' room!
You're a monster!
I don't want her anywhere near my son!
Whatever happens, Loli, whatever happens...
I don't want this diesel in my house!
If she goes, I divorce.
With your track record, kiss the house good-bye!
Maybe, but I'd get the kids! /Not with a good lawyer!
Come, baby. Come with Mommy.
You're wrecking a home.
Feel good about it?
You're not leaving?